Does anyone really enjoy arguing? I don’t. In fact, I’m the type of person who would rather avoid conflict at all costs. If only that were possible right? Because when you’re sharing a life with someone, it’s pretty inevitable that disagreements will come up. And a lot of the time, those disagreements can turn into arguments. So the best thing that you can do is figure out how to handle arguments in your marriage the best way you can.
As a recovering conflict-avoider, I’m still learning how to communicate better, but I noticed some major changes when I started doing a few things differently.
Here are a some things that I started doing that you can consider when you are trying to best handle arguments in your own marriage.
1. Remember That You’re On The Same Team
I’m a very sensitive person and I used to take most things very personally and feel easily attacked. And during those arguments, and even afterward, I no longer felt like my husband and I were partners. It felt as if the argument put us on opposing teams. I literally felt like that was the case. That it was now every man for himself. Like I’m hurt and you’re the cause, so you couldn’t possibly be for me. And that mindset definitely hindered our relationship.
The truth is, I didn’t know how to handle conflict. This is something that I am still working on today. But I had to learn that even in the midst of disagreements and in the aftermath, my husband and I are still on the same team. And having that perspective actually changed the dynamic of the disagreement and how I felt in general.
Feeling like we were on opposing teams left me feeling insecure in our relationship. Like it was something fragile that could break at any moment. But seeing us as a team regardless, meant that no matter what, we come back together and we figure it out because we’re in this together.
Arguing doesn’t put you on opposing teams. Sometimes words will be said on both sides that may cause hurt feelings. But that doesn’t break the partnership.
Try remembering even in the middle of an argument, that you and your husband are still on the same team.
That perspective will cause you to approach the situation differently, be more conscious of your words, and be more prone to express yourself in a way that still respects him and protects his feelings.
2. Give Yourself Time
I’ve been meditating on this scripture lately:
Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouth, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.
I’m really trying to work on being intentional with my words. I no longer want to blurt something out in the heat of a disagreement, only to regret saying it later. I realized that I need time to collect my thoughts. To cool off. To reflect on what just happened, and to come back when I can better express myself. I’m practicing living by the good ‘ol saying “if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.”
Sometimes you just need to wait on it. Don’t let it go altogether, but just wait until you can better express how you’re feeling about things. The last thing you want to do is say something in the heat of frustration, only to wish you hadn’t. So give yourself time and revisit the subject once your emotions are in a better place.
3. Don’t Sweat The Small Stuff
Let’s be honest. Sometimes our husbands make comments or do things that can irk us or annoy us a bit. And vice versa, we do the same to them. But not everything is worth a response or a battle to prove who was right or wrong. Some things aren’t even worth giving much attention to. There’s no need to get yourself worked up over something that’s just not that big of a deal. Or to reply in a way that you know has the potential to lead to an argument.
Protect your peace.
If it’s something small, just ignore it and let it go.
This alone has lessened the arguments in my house. And it will make you realize how much some things just aren’t worth the stress.
4. Take Accountability
When it came to arguments in my marriage, I had to stop getting so defensive when my husband would call me out on things I could have handled better, or things I said that were hurtful. My natural response was to find a way to put it back on him somehow, or point out what he did wrong, instead of owning up to my portion. But nowadays, I just admit when I’m wrong. Like “Yeah you’re right. I’m sorry.” Sometimes we even hug it out.
At times, it can be difficult to admit when you’re wrong, and if it’s a challenge for you, practice doing it anyway. It’ll get easier. And it’ll end that argument a whole lot sooner also.
5. Ask For Clarity Instead of Running with Assumptions
I have 4 words for running with assumptions. Don’t do it girl! I’m being dramatic, but a lot of the time, our assumptions can be worst case scenarios, and far from what’s actually true.
So it’s best to just ask for clarification so that you can really know what your husband meant when he made that comment. Or his reason for doing or not doing something.
You’ll have assurance from hearing it from him directly. And a lot of the time, when we hear the actual reasons, we realize that there is nothing to even be upset about.
6. Let It Go
Have you ever had an argument with your husband and “settled things” only for you to still be somewhat upset about it hours, days, or maybe even weeks later? Even after the apology? For something that may not have even been that big of a deal? I have. And it’s not fun. You’re literally walking around holding onto hurt feelings or anger for no reason at that point.
You have to let it go. And the best way to do that is to just stop thinking about it. To stop playing what was said back over and over again in your mind. And to not bring in other past arguments into this one. You know how our minds work sometimes. We’ll just start lumping past offenses and arguments together, and get ourselves even more upset.
But forgiving and forgetting is an actual thing.
And it’s super necessary when you’re married. So stop thinking about it and let it go. You will feel so much better and so much closer to your husband when you do.
Disagreements are inevitable in a marriage. You and your husband are two different people, so it’s expected that you won’t always agree on everything. It’s just a matter of figuring out how to handle arguments in your marriage when they do arise.
Because every married couple fights at least every now and then. The key is just learning how to do it better.
Hopefully by applying some of these tips you’ll be able to do just that.