Loving When It's Hard To Do - A Mom's Everyday Journey

We’ve all been there. In a season of our relationship where we feel irritable or highly frustrated by our husbands.

Perhaps you feel unappreciated. Maybe it’s been a while since you felt like the two of you were on the same page. Or maybe the two of you have been clashing or arguing a little more than usual, and it’s causing you to feel disconnected or uneasy.

There are so many highs and lows that we experience in marriage. And there are so many factors outside of our relationships that play a role and affect how we are with one another. Life happens. There’s stress and pressure that we get from work, from managing our households and our finances, and raising our kids. We’re constantly changing and evolving into different versions of ourselves.

Because of all the things that are happening in us and around us, we don’t always show up in our marriages like we want to, and neither do our husbands.

I know that the love season is upon us and valentine’s day is right around the corner, but I want to talk about love in a different way. I want to talk about loving when it’s not so easy. When it might even be the last thing that you want to do.

Disclaimer: This post is intended to give tips for those who are in an otherwise healthy relationship. It is not meant to condone or justify any form of emotional, verbal, or physical abuse. If you are in any kind of abusive relationship, please seek professional help.

Here are 5 Tips for Loving When It’s Hard to Do:

Make an Effort to Connect

As women, we crave connection don’t we? We want our closest relationships to be meaningful, and to have depth. There needs to be an emotional connection for us to feel secure and at ease in the relationship. So if we feel like our husbands are being distant or in their own worlds, we can take it personally, and distance ourselves as well.

But when we’re going through a season where we’re feeling disconnected, the best thing to do is to find a way to connect.

And this doesn’t have to mean going to him and talking about your relationship problems. You don’t even have to say anything at all. It can be something as simple as giving him a hug, resting your head on his shoulder, grabbing his hand, initiating a movie night, making and handing him a cup of coffee. Some type of gesture to show him that you care. That you’re in this. That he matters to you.

When you feel connected, you feel at ease. You feel like you can let your guard down and be vulnerable. You’re also more prone to be kind and considerate. And this goes both ways, for him and for you. And that’s what we want, right?

Try to See Things from His Perspective

This is something that I’ve really been working on for the past few months. These days, when my husband and I are in the middle of a disagreement, I try to take both of our perspectives into account, not just my own.

I’ve been learning more and more that it’s not so much about who’s right and who’s wrong, but more so about understanding one another. And acknowledging that his perspective is just as valid as mine.

So when something comes up that might cause you to feel irritated or upset, something helpful to do would be to take a pause and try to see where he might be coming from. Also, keep his feelings in mind.

Patricia Love and Steven Stosny call it “Binocular vision,” in their book How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It. (If you have never read this book, I HIGHLY recommend it. I truly think it’s the next best thing to marriage counseling.) They say “The key is to focus on your partner’s feelings instead of the facts. You don’t have to agree with the facts of your partner’s point of view, as long as you give importance to the feelings associated with it.”

That is DEEP.

It’s not always about who was right or wrong. Sometimes the most important thing is focusing on how what you did or said made your husband feel, and seeing things from his perspective.

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Know That It’s Not Always About You

Sometimes I can have a million and one things on my mind and can be having a really hard time. And yet, when asked if something is bothering me, I might say “no,” even though I know that something IS INDEED wrong. And then later, I can lash out about something else that has nothing to do with what’s really going on.

Does this sound familiar? I know I’m not the only one.

Well, the same thing can happen with your husband. He might have some things on his mind that are really bothering him, that he hasn’t shared with you. So if he’s irritable, or in a bad mood, don’t assume that it’s because of you.

Try to see things from his angle, not just what’s on the outside, but also what might be going on behind the scenes.

This might mean thinking about how stressful he said work has been lately. How he mentioned he hasn’t been sleeping all that well. How much pressure he’s under at work.

There are so many other things that can be weighing on him and causing his frustrations to surface, sometimes without him even realizing it. He might not even realize that he’s coming off like he’s in a bad mood or that he’s projecting his frustrations onto you.

I’m not saying that him lashing out at you or being rude is justified, but I am saying that we all have our moments, and we don’t always present our best selves, especially when we’re under stress.

I’m going to have to quote my favorite marriage book again and say that sometimes you “must be the most compassionate, understanding, and loving when you least feel like it.” And I know how hard this can be to do. But think about it this way: when you’re irritable or in a bad mood, or frustrated, don’t you want your husband to meet you with compassion and understanding?

Acknowledge His Efforts

We all have our wants and expectations. And we may have shared some of these things with our husbands. Other things, we may kind of just expect them to know to do to make us happy or make us feel special. But you know what I’m learning? Everyone shows love in their own way. And sometimes we might feel like our husbands aren’t showing us love or appreciating us, when they really are, they’re just doing it in their own way. And other times, they express their love and show us appreciation exactly how we want them to, but we can still be so focused on other things that we wish that they were doing differently, that we don’t even see it or acknowledge it.

It’s easier for some more than others to show affection, or to express themselves, or to open up, so acknowledge the efforts that your husband does make for you. Know that he wants to feel connected to you too, he just might not always know how to.

Give it to God

If it ever feels like too much, or even before it gets to that point, give it to God. Pray for His guidance, His patience, His empathy, and His unconditional love to carry you through.

Marriage takes consistent work, and I know how tiring it can feel sometimes. We can get tired of putting in effort. Tired of trying to be the bigger person. Tired of resisting the urge to flee the scene. It can all feel too hard. But nothing is too hard for God.

Pray for yourself, pray for your husband, and pray for your marriage. Let God do the heavy lifting when it’s too much for you to bear on your own.

I know that showing love to your husband isn’t always the easiest thing to do. But it does feel a little easier when you keep a few things in mind. So the next time you feel tried or frustrated, or even on your last nerve, see if you can find a way to connect, tap into his perspective, understand that it might not even be about you, acknowledge his efforts, or hand it over to God. By doing these things, you’ll find it a little easier to meet your husband where he is and show him love and grace, even when it’s hard to.